Resorting to lengthy quotes

Miss Fran

It’s been a while since I posted here, for tedious reasons related to the location of my router and my laptop’s corresponding distance from it, so when I sat down here to write, my first instinct was to bitch. And bitch I did! But such bitching is of no use or interest to anyone so I have elected to delete it.

[An aside: unless a reader is interested in bitching about Project Runway All Stars, this evening’s episode of which featured a baffling degree of praise for a powder-blue polka-dot romper with a  Peter Pan collar, a combination of words only suitable for describing children’s active wear.]

Speaking of children. My own lack of inspiration this evening led me to Fran Lebowitz’s Metropolitan Life, and a specific essay helpfully titled, “Children: Pro or Con?”

Some excerpts, from the “pro” side:

Children do not sit next to one in restaurants and discuss their preposterous hopes for the future in loud tones of voice.

Children ask better questions than do adults. “May I have a cookie?” “Why is the sky blue?” and “What does a cow say?” are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than “Where’s your manuscript?” “Why haven’t you called?” and “Who’s your lawyer?”

Children give life to the concept of immaturity.

And then the “con” side:

Children respond inadequately to sardonic humor and veiled threats.

Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement mixer long after one’s own interest in the topic has waned.

Children do not look well in evening clothes.

All too often children are accompanied by adults.

And there you have it: children, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.


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