Sorry, Wolverine in Paris is NOT for sale.

A little over a week ago, my brother reported being stabbed in the stomach by Banjo, who wields his out-of-control toenails kind of like a shiv. S and I have of course been subject to the same treatment, as Banjo has a tendency to leap up and greet us, especially if we’re bringing something interesting home. (Interesting, to him, is basically anything.) Unpleasant as it is, we’re kind of used to it. But stabbing my brother really crossed a line.

A week ago yesterday, we tag-teamed him to trim the nails. They were so long that the quick had extended, limiting the extent to which we could cut them. The entire time we worked on his nails, he writhed and moaned, these sort of deep tortuous moans as if we were, say, removing his nails with pliers. Classic overreaction. Basically, he’s a giant baby.

I was so annoyed with his histrionics that I resolved to fix the problem. All week, at unexpected intervals, I made him lay down and messed with his feet. At first, he was hostile and writhed and moaned as above. But by the week’s end, he was tolerating this treatment with equanimity. So yesterday I brought out the clippers and tapped each of his nails with them. Mild reaction at best. Then I actually clipped his nails, by myself, without restraining him. He got a little alarmed there at the end, but on the whole, submitted even better than I could have hoped.

At various points in time, people have recommended an as seen on TV product, PediPaws, to me. It’s basically like a Dremel designed for use on pets. I guess it works fairly well, but come on… if you’ve got a foot-sensitive dog, what’s going to work best, fast/low-tech clipping, or gradually grinding down the nail with a strange and noisy implement? I vote for the former, every time.


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